Don't tip the delivery boy

Lately I've had some encounters with some pretty down and out creatures. To start off a few weeks ago I walked to the store for some late night groceries and on the way came face to face with 2 sknunks who seemed to be fighting each other (or loving each other) either way I figured they might be about to go off if I was anywhere near, so I got the hell out of there. If that wasn't strange enough when I got home I noticed the next door neighbor cat sitting on my porch looking extremely interested at what was going on in the kitchen. I looked in the window to see a bat flying around the house. The bat catching story is a long one but lets just say that after 2 hours he was outside again.

Unrelated to that today I was eating some leftover pizza which had been ordered a few days earlier and had been in the fridge and three quarters into the second slice I noticed something strange. The slice had 2 separate clusters of little white things on it. It looked strange so I looked at the remaining slices to see if it was some kind of spice that had been put on the whole pizza but it only appeared on the slice I had in my hand. Upon closer inspection the clusters where little bunches of maggots. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess when the pizza had been sitting out after it had been ordered a fly had laid some eggs on it. TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to food cleanliness and such so I hate shit like that, especially not knowing if I had actually eaten a bunch of them without knowing.

My Mom told me that in the native American world that when animals appear in your life they are there to teach you something and that each one symbolizes something that is supposed to be a lesson, well I looked up the skunk and the bat to find out what they were supposed to mean but I cant for the life of me find out what a fucking maggot teaches you when you (most likely) ingest it. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck Mel Gibson

Seriously, as far as I'm concerned the guy can eat a garbage bag full of dicks. I'll admit that I was into the "Mad Max" movies, the "Lethal Weapon" flicks were decent (despite getting the tbs treatment is recent years), "conspiracy theory" was alright and I was even kinda a fan of Payback but when Gibson got on the whole "Passion of the Christ" thing it didn't really work for me. The whole thing just rubbed me the wrong way. The reports were that at the end of it all "The Passion of the Chirst" will have earned Gibson upwards of One Billion Dollars. Now I've always felt that if Gibson is truly a faithful man and truly just wanted to show the what happened to Jesus then he should donate every penny of profit from that film to charity and if not he should be confronted with some serious questions.

The guy is full of shit instead of making a film depicting all the good things that Jesus did he chose to ultimately make one about Jesus final hours of suffering and death. Hmmm I wonder why, could it be that that's what would sell and make him shitloads of money. Now I know that the crucifixion is an important part in the story of Jesus but if that's all you show the question is What are you trying to say with this film?

It would sort of be like if a film maker went up to the studio and said:
film maker: I want to make a movie about Elvis
studio: So do you want to portray Elvis' rise to fame and how he made music that many people loved and identified with?
film maker: Oh no not at all. I want to make a movie about Elvis' last hours when he was fucked up on pills and then show him dying on a toilet.

So the recent news about Gibson getting pulled over drunk and spouting anti-Semitic remarks further solidifies the case that the guy is full of shit. Being drunk is no excuse, you don't say things when you're drunk unless you actually believe them. I mean when I'm drunk I'm not going to start yelling I hate Nickelback If I really don't (I really do). So Gibson isn't going to be making anti-Semitic remarks when he's drunk unless he is in fact a anti-Semite. Now you may be asking "Hey wasn't Jesus Jewish? How can Mel Gibson be an anti-Semite?". If I can re-iterate a point: MEL GIBSON IS FULL OF SHIT. From what I've heard Jesus is a pretty forgiving guy and I guess you'd have to be if you're so called followers are shit bags like Gibson.

Conversation between Jesus and Mel Gibson I would like to see:
Jesus: So I saw that movie you made about me getting beaten tortured and then crucified
Gibson: What did you think?
Jesus: Too much whipping not enough leper healing I was hoping to maybe see some scenes where I helped people, you know loving people was really the message I was trying to get across.
Gibson: Well I made a lot of money with that movie. I even started selling official "passion of the Christ" crucifixion nails
Jesus: Do you remember when I found people selling things in the temple I was rather upset and I even tossed over the vendors tables. Have you ever even read the bible?
Gibson: Well ummm....
Jesus: Mel?
Gibson: I read some of it...
Jesus: And what did you learn from it?
Gibson: That is would make a big blockbuster movie

Hostage Situation

Anyone who knows who Nancy Grace is knows that she's the fakest fucking person on Television. I mean she's phonier than a 7 dollar bill, Styrofoam is more natural than this bitch. Anyway last week she interviewed Elizabeth Smart (the girl who was kidnapped from her room when she was 14) Grace Feigned the most contrived sympathy imaginable and kept pressing Elizabeth with really inappropriate questions. Eventually Elizabeth verbally "bitch slaps" Grace. You can see it in this video its worth checking out just to see Grace put in her place.

Speaking of Kidnapping, you know how in movies a common theme (where kidnapping is concerned) is someone is kidnapped and then held for a large ransom only to have the whole plan eventually foiled. My question is: Has there ever been a successful ransom kidnapping in the history of the world? If movies have taught us anything it's that it never works yet people try it all the time. The scenarios even get more and more complex yet the bad guys are always foiled.

The only Ransom kidnapping that I can actually recall is when Patty Hearst was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army, but she ended up joining them so it may have been inside job (although there is a claim that she had the Stockholm Syndrome).

Side note: the SLA has a bad-ass logo which I think would look cool on a t-shirt apart from the fact that they are considered a terrorist organization and I they're into some pretty dodgy stuff

Really Bad Tattoos Part 4

Sulu really seems to be forcing a smile for this one. This tat looks like it was made with ink
from a crayola marker (I've never seen a tat so faded).

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Here's a couple of dolphin related numbers. In the second one it looks like they're stomping grapes to make wine.

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These two come from the "special needs" Tiger collection.

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I truly don't get it.

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This last one just may be the perfect match for the guy with the dragon dick tattoo.

Really Bad Tattoos Part 1
Really Bad Tattoos Part 2
Really Bad Tattoos Part 3
Really Bad Tattoos Part 5
Really Bad Tattoos Part 6
Really Bad Tattoos Part 7
Really Bad Tattoos Part 8

Jesus: With you Always

If you've never been to the Jesus: With you always site you should check it out.

Thoughts

- green olives really are the poor mans black olives. Seriously!

- 2 of the greatest 1980's punk records ever are Operation Ivy: Energy & Hectic and Minor Threat: Complete Discography. Both are each bands complete discography. LEGENDARY!

- Rosemary is an interesting herb, I haven't really decided if I love it or not, it works on some things but I just had it on a foccacia pizza type thing and I'm not sure.

- I saw an episode to Iron Chef America the other day and the secret ingredient was bison. Several times it was referred to as having a "gamey" taste to it. I don't really know what "gamey" meat tastes like but I find the whole concept hilarious.

- "Date Movie" is insulting to the human race and I'll even go as far as to say that it (and things like it) make us devolve as a society. (When I say its insulting to the human race I don't mean its insulting in the way that "Wonder Showzen" is subversive yet clever, and hilarious.)

-The other day I ordered a decaf coffee and the girl gave me a regular coffee (I saw her pour it from the regular pot, I don't think they had any decaf brewed) She knew she gave me regular and I knew she gave me regular but I don't think she knew I knew. So anyway I went back a few days later and ordered another decaf from the same girl and looked her straight in the eye and said make sure its decaf, I have a heart condition and I just got out of the hospital... again. The look on her face was priceless.

-You know you can't get Count Chocula here anymore, the least healthy shit you can get is Lucky Charms and that's hardly even that bad. When I was a kid they had that cereal that was just mini chocolate cookies... Cookie Crisp I think.

Who is Mr. Cool Ice?

In my last post I posted a link to a video of the mysterious Mr. Cool Ice with a plea to anyone who spoke German to translate it. A big thanks goes out to Erik who took the time to watch the video and shed some light on the situation.

His hometown is Mainz, he is 33 years old and has gone by Mr. Cool Ice for the last 13 years. He basically states that's just who he is period.


They do a tour of his apartment and we discover that he is a clean freak. Everything has to be spotless and in the right place.



The 2 girls on the talk show are basically making an ass out of him and a direct translation from the girl sitting closest to him is "You look like Shit".

He has spent over 4,000 euro's to get his tattoos which is about 6, 000 USD.

Well there you have it a little light into the world of Mr. Cool Ice. If anyone has any more info keep it coming

I should also point out for those of you who haven't seen the video that "Ice Ice Baby" plays throughout and its likely that that is where he got his name from.

Mr. Cool Ice

I'm sure by now everyone has seen Mr. Cool Ice, whom I first posted in the Really Bad Tattoos part 3 entry. Well someone sent me a link to a Video of him!!!

I'm not positive but I think its German (I took German once in high school and failed miserably but got to miss a day of class to go to Oktoberfest and eat sausages and struesel and listen to a live polka band (definitely worth it))

The video is about 10 mins long and I couldn't understand a single thing yet I had to watch the whole thing in hopes of finding out some clues as to how and why this dude became Mr. Cool Ice.

If someone who speaks German could watch the vid and email me the translation (or at least the gist of what's going on) That would be amazing. I will post an update to fill everyone in.

no loss for words

Check out this excerpt from a conversation between Michael and Eko from the last episode of Lost.

Michael: I hear you're a priest
Eko: yes
Michael: I guess you believe in hell then
Eko: For a brief time I served in a small parish in England, and Every Sunday after mass I would see a young boy waiting at the back of the church. Then one day the boy confessed to me that he had beaten his dog to death with a shovel, he said that the dog had bitten his baby sister on the cheek and he needed to protect her and he wanted to know whether he would go to hell for this. I told him that God would understand, that he would be forgiven as long as he was sorry, but the boy did not care about forgiveness, he was only afraid that if he did go to hell that dog would be there waiting for him.

end of scene.

How fucking awesome is that. I'm definitely going to start talking like that, just answering questions with hard hitting, moral cautionary tales that are completely suited and relevant for the occasion. Seriously though why do we accept things in TV and the movies that are so far from reality, No one talks like that in real life. I wish they did though. No more small talk no more bullshit, everything that is said has an explicit purpose and is chock full of symbolism and foreshadowing. How strange would that be?

a sandwich to rule them all!

I've been posting a lot about food lately but after I made this sandwich I had to take a picture of it and share it with the world. Why? Because its a fucking work of art. Michelangelo never made a fucking sandwich like this (well he may have, but I imagine when he packed his lunch each day and went off to paint the Sistine chapel it was a lot less elaborate).

Here's what its got from the bottom up:
mustard
smoked turkey
melted 5 year old cheddar
sauteed red peppers
sauteed green peppers
sauteed portabella mushrooms
English cucumber
hot house tomatoes
romaine lettuce
mayonnaise
on toasted ciabatta loaf

fuck yeah.

actually it was only an average sandwich.