Ask Dr. Bright part 7

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I g...."

Why do I get dizzy:  I covered this in the last installment of "Ask Dr. Bright".  Geez if you guys aren't even going to pay attention why should I bother.  I know a lot of you are on heavy amounts of medication which is my fault I know.  I mean I am the one who prescribed them to you.  I take ownership in that but please try and pay attention when we have our little question and answer sessions.

Why do I get canker sores: There are many different theories as to why canker sores appear.  I have my own which I will share with you.  A canker sore is an annoying and slightly painful affliction which appears in your mouth produced by the subconscious part of your mind.  Most likely you have annoyed or caused minor pain to someone with your careless words and now you are being warned to be more aware of how

the things you say affect others.  Either that or you ate too many lemons.  Did you really need to eat 3 whole lemons?

Why do I get dizzy when I stand up: Do you understand the concept of inertia? You should have learned it way back in grade school science. Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest, or the tendency of an object to resist any change in its motion. The reason you feel dizzy when you stand up is that the rules of inertia are being appled to your consciousness.  Your physical body may be able to stand up fairly quickly but it takes a second for your "self" to catch up and so there is a delay.

Why do I get leg cramps:  Leg cramps are most often caused by Poison Ivy and also a Lux Interior.

Ask Dr. Bright part 6

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I e...."

1. Why do I fart so much:  Hey I'm a doctor not your 3rd grade buddy on the playground.  I refuse to engage in something so crude and juvenile.  If you have a legitimate question you can come back and ask it when you've settled down a little. 

2. Why do I feel sad:  My question for you is how else would you expect to perceive sadness?  You can't taste or smell sadness and the only time you can see sadness is in the Wal-mart express checkout line (you know the one where everyone is led like cattle to the slaughter down a narrow impulse buy corridor) 

3. Why do I feel dizzy:  Of course you feel Dizzy. Gillespie is one wild horn player man. That hep cat can really blow he must have balloon lungs. I dig what you're putting out there I feel him too.  Don't question it Daddy-o just go with it.

4. Why do I feel so tired:  Whats with all the "feeling" questions today people?  I have to analyze the way you've asked this question.  You aren't asking "Why am I so tired?" you only want to know why you feel tired.  This implies that you are concerned with your perception of tiredness rather than actual tiredness. When you get hungry do you ask yourself "Why do I feel hunger?" or do you realize that you should just eat? I want you to sleep on that idea for at least 8 hours and get back to me.

Ask Dr. Bright part 5

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I e...."

 
1. Why Do I Eat so Much: You eat because humans need food to survive.  Geez this is basic survival people.

2. Why Do I Exist: Well I have to tell you that you actually do not exist, well at least not the version of you that posed that question as it was written in the past.  The past does not exist and neither does the future.  The present is all that exists.  Embrace the now.

3. Why Do I Eat Poop: Before I tackle your rather crude question I first have to address the fact that you are extremely evolved for a dog.  The fact that you can not only type but that you also understand the concept of the internet and search engines is quite remarkable.  Don't become too obsessed with the shit eating as it is very common for the canine species.  My advice is to focus on the skills that you possess that 99.9% of the other dogs out there do not.

4. Why do I Even Bother: I know this pain. Why do lock yourself up in these chains? No one can change your life except for you. Don't ever let anyone step all over you. Just open your heart and your mind. Is it really fair to feel this way inside? Some day somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye. Until then baby are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry. Don't you know?

Don't you know things can change. Things'll go your way. If you hold on for one more day. Can you hold on for one more day. Things'll go your way. Hold on for one more day.

Ask Dr. Bright part 4

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I d...."

 

1. Why do I Discharge so Much: Discharge are a great hardcore band from the UK.  It isn't surprising that you listen to them a lot.

 

2. Why Do I Drink: The reason you drink is because the human body needs to stay hydrated.  We need fluids to survive.

3.  Why Do I Dream so Much: If you feel that you are dreaming too much maybe what you perceive as your reality is actually the dream and vice versa.

4.  Why Do I Dream: You dream because your real life is terrible.

Ask Dr. Bright part 3

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I c...."

1-2:. The reason you cry so easily is directly related to your salt craving.  You consume far too much sodium and your body is having trouble expelling the excess amounts.  It is literally seeping out of every one of your orifices. If you continue down this path you will start to wake up with about a half cup of course salt granules in your mouth or on your pillow.

3. Why Do I Cough: I'm sure that you've heard the old tale that you swallow 4 spiders in your sleep each year.  This is untrue. You actually inhale 4 spiders in your sleep each year.  There is a 90% chance the cough is caused by spider webs 10% chance that you eat too much dairy.

4. Why Do I Crave Sugar: You crave sugar because you eat too much salt.

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Ask Dr. Bright part 2

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I b....."

2. Why Do I Bruise so Easily: The reason you bruise easily is because you are what we call in the medical community a "wimp" also known colloquially as a "pussy". Its probably not your fault as I'm sure you come from a long lineage of pussies.

3. Why Do I Burp So Much: The reason you burp too much is because you  have no class. This can be solved by attending weekly etiquette classes. 

4. Why Do I Bleed When I Poop: I'm sorry to say this is quite serious and can only result from 3 things. 

•  You have swallowed a shard of glass and it is slowly tearing your insides apart.
•  You have become host to a violent parasite and it is quickly tearing your insides apart.
•  Someone you love is poisoning you and your heart is bleeding excessively (not as a result of the poison but as a result of the betrayal. This all works on a subconscious level)

the weekend - and scarlet leonine

the light - and scarlet leonine

the pawn - and scarlet leonine

the shoes - and scarlet leonine

Poor Mans Actor part 3

 

Krysten Ritter is the poor mans Anne Hathaway

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Katy Perry is the poor mans Zooey Deschanel

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Josh Duhamel is the poor mans Timothy Olyphant

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Missy Peregrym is the poor mans Hillary Swank

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Nancy Mckeon is the poor mans Jonathan Taylor Thomas

 

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Nancy Grace is the poor mans Eddie Izzard in drag

Ask Dr. Bright part 1

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I a...."

1-4: Well you seem to have yourself in quite a predicament here. Its what we call a vicious cycle.  The problem is that you are a food addict.  You always feel hungry because you cannot satisfy your addiction so you get yourself into a pattern of over eating which ultimately leaves you tired bloated and nauseous.  My advice to you is start smoking, it will cure all the above ailments despite a few side effects of its own.  I can prepare you a prescription.

Modern Rock Radio Review

When I was 13 or 14 I listened to Modern Rock / New Rock / Alt. Rock radio before I moved on to other things.  I decided to revisit the station of my youth and hear what it is they're playing these days.  I got an old cassette style walkman and went for a walk around the city.

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MIA - Paper Planes:  I actually like this song (it may be the "Straight to Hell" sample).  It's surprising because I really really disliked her first album.  That "Bucky Done Gun" shit is unlistenable nonsense.

She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart: I've never heard of these guys but they are totally ripping of Bauhaus (or possibly ripping of Interpol who are ripping off Bauhaus) It's enough for me to not hate them at this moment (long story about darkness).  It's like listening to a Bauhaus cover band.

Stone Temple Pilots - Plush:  I think Scott Weiland was the first person to rip off that Eddie Veddar "yarling" vocal style and because he actually got away with it (the song was a hit) it opened the door to countless jackasses' doing the same banal bullshit.  Thanks a lot dickhead.

The Salads - Get Loose:  It's garbage day in whatever neighbourhood I'm walking through at the moment and the warm weather has filled the air with the putrid stench of rotting trash.  At this point I honestly can't tell which is more nauseating, the smell of decaying food or the sound of the salads.

Oasis - Wonderwall: When these guys were big this was the only one of their songs that I sort of liked / could tolerate.  Hearing it again I wonder how bad the rest of their stuff would sound now.  Holy Shit!



I've decided to stop in a park for a bit to listen to more of this dreck.  Sitting at another bench there is a fat guy with his shirt off who's been rubbing his body for the past 10 minutes (he isn't "science fiction" fat but definitely quite large).  I don't think he's putting on sunscreen or anything he's just caressing himself.

The Offspring - You're gonna go far, kid:  The fat guy finally put his shirt back on and has started to leave the park.  He is walking past me and the radio station has drifted slightly out of tune wrapping the song in a blanket of white noise, making it barely recognizable.  This is easily the most interesting the Offspring has ever sounded.

Pearl Jam - Even Flow:  When I was 14 I had a Pearl Jam t-shirt and on the back was a picture of a rhino and it said music for rhinos.  I didn't get it then and I don't get it now and I bet whoever designed the shirt didn't get it either.  If the band had anything to do with that shirt then I like them less.

LCD Soundsystem - Daft Punk is playing at my house:  Sounds like a song from and ipod commercial (it may be I don't remember / care).  It's ok I guess.  These guys have better tunes (but not much better).

As I lay Dying - I never wanted (remix):  Apparently these guys are a Christian metal band.  When I was in high school a guy in my art class was trying to defend Christian rock saying "It's just the same as the music you listen to it just has different lyrics".  I guess that would be true if I listened to boring shitty music.

Audioslave - Be Yourself:  How do I explain this band? Ok... If Rage Against the Machine and Soundgarden were a load of laundry and you washed away any / every little bit of them that may have been interesting / original and then put that load in the dryer and dried away any iota of social / political relevance at the end of it all audioslave would be what you'd find in the lint filter.

Franz Ferdinand - No you girls: Forget it...





I can't take this anymore.  Everything is so fucking mediocre.  If the barometer for good art is its ability to produce an emotional response then this shit fails miserably.  It's sonic novacaine.  You know the sound of a band that's given up? Well imagine the sound of a band that never even tried thats given up.  Well they've devoted an entire God damn station to that sound.  Is autopilot a genre of music?

types are getting brighter

Type Brighter is back at this address.  Yeah its been a long time but a lot of new things are in the works.  You can follow on Twitter and Facebook with the links on the top right of this page.