Ask Dr. Bright part 2

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I b....."

2. Why Do I Bruise so Easily: The reason you bruise easily is because you are what we call in the medical community a "wimp" also known colloquially as a "pussy". Its probably not your fault as I'm sure you come from a long lineage of pussies.

3. Why Do I Burp So Much: The reason you burp too much is because you  have no class. This can be solved by attending weekly etiquette classes. 

4. Why Do I Bleed When I Poop: I'm sorry to say this is quite serious and can only result from 3 things. 

•  You have swallowed a shard of glass and it is slowly tearing your insides apart.
•  You have become host to a violent parasite and it is quickly tearing your insides apart.
•  Someone you love is poisoning you and your heart is bleeding excessively (not as a result of the poison but as a result of the betrayal. This all works on a subconscious level)