Psycho Killer

I want to talk a bit about the cereal universe. The cereal universe is where all the characters from breakfast cereals live. Straight up the place is fucked, mainly because the inhabitants are so fucked. The place is nothing but vibrant colors and sugar coated food and the streets for the most part are filled with bleary eyed addicts. One thing I noticed recently is that there are no women in the cereal universe (at least not prominent ones) but things may be far worse than a patriarchy, I think that there is a "cereal rapist" and "cereal killer" out there who has systematically disposed of all the women. Lets examine some of the possible suspects.

CAP'N CRUNCH - CAP'N CRUNCH
The Cap'n spends most of his time at sea, battling the "soggies" who may or may not be a figment of his imagination. Judging by his slurred speech he spends most of the time half in the bag.










COUNT CHOCULA - COUNT CHOCULA
The count hangs out at his castle in the mountains with Frankenberry and Boo Berry. Its possible that Fruit Brute is hanging with them too but he hasn't been seen around in a while. This crew generally just sticks with each other and don't seem to be stirring up much trouble. But who knows what a group of hideous monsters is getting up to after dark.








TOUCAN SAM - FROOT LOOPS
"Follow your nose"? Come on Sam your not fooling anyone. We all know that when you're alone you grind up the loops and do "rainblow" rails off of a mynah birds ass feathers. Sam is always looped out of his mind.










LEPRECHAUN - LUCKY CHARMS
The Lucky Charms leprechaun suffers from paranoid schitzophrenia he constantly thinks people are trying to steal his Lucky Charms. Which is pretty odd because they are more likely trying to steal his pot of gold.










SUGAR BEAR - SUGAR CRISP
Sugar bear is a classic addict he "can't get enough of that sugar crisp" he can never get enough. Sugar Bear is what we call a high functioning addict he is more than capable of acquiring his "drug" he even seems to give off an air of calm at all times. He is somewhat of the "James Bond" of cereal addicts, he's kind of a smooth operator.








TRIX RABBIT - TRIX
On the complete opposite end of the spectrum from Sugar Bear we have the Trix Rabbit. No matter how hard he tries he never gets to have the "drug" which he so dearly craves. This leaves him as a fused out jumpy bundle of nerves. It isn't known if the Trix rabbit has actually ever even has a bowl of Trix or if he is just uncontrollably drawn to it like a moth to a patio light.







SONNY - COCOA PUFFS
Sonny is the perfect example of what happens when someone with the personality of the Trix Rabbit actually gets his fix. Sonny as you know is "Cookoo for Cocoa Puffs". In other words this fucker is crazy. He spends his days in drug induced insanity. A highly volatile and erratic individual who should not be trifled with.








TONY THE TIGER - FROSTED FLAKES
If you ask me Tony the Tiger's normal exterior probably hides some demons. Sure he seems like a jovial fun loving character, but looks can be deceiving especially in the cereal universe. Who knows what he gets up to when he goes back to his lair.







You be the judge. I know who I would put my money on.

Smokin' (definitely not to be pronounced like Jim Carey in the mask)

Near my house there is a plaza/strip mall and beside that there is a retirement home. The retirement home isn't one of those one's where the seniors are being taken care of by people its more just like a community for retired people. They live independently but are far from being rich. They are mostly just average people and I'm sure for the most part they are on a fixed income. Anyway there is one guy who lives there who looks almost exactly like Lee Van Cleef (from the Clint Eastwood "man without a name" westerns). Every time I go to the plaza I see this guy without fail and he is wandering around collecting all the cigarette butts that he can find so that he can smoke them. I always find this mildly depressing. Cigarettes around here cost over $8 a pack (I actually don't know exactly how much they cost they were more than $8 a pack when I quit and that was almost 3 years ago). The majority of that is tax as I'm sure you all know. So I came up with an idea: Cigarette pricing should be on a sliding scale. The younger you are the higher the price and the older you get the more tax is chopped off. Lets say that if you are under 25 cigarettes cost $25 a pack and by the time you are 65 they are $2. I think it would deter a lot of people from starting to smoke because it would be unrealistic for most youths to be able to afford a habit that expensive. But at the same time if you're in your 70s and your still smoking lets face it you should be rewarded for beating the odds.

As usual I'm just talking a bunch of nonsense. This would never work out because trying to implement a sliding scale of pricing would be a sheer nightmare for the millions of retailers out there.

Random Musings

TV Series: Every morning while I eat my breakfast and drink my green tea I like to watch an episode of a selected TV series. Watching a series in sequence day to day is so much better than watching it on TV, you don't have to wait a week for the next episode and there are no commercials. Right now I am watching "Twin Peaks". What a great show. There were only 2 seasons before it was cancelled. Fans of the show say that it was ahead of its time and I guess it was to a certain extent. It was on when I was a kid and I always remember it was known as a weird show, but watching it today it is certainly no weirder than "Lost" and definitely less cryptic. Anyway "Twin Peaks" has some interesting parental connections to modern day stars. Russ Tamblyn who played Dr. Lawrence Jacoby is Amber Tamblyn's (Joan of Arcadia)Father. Mary Jo Deschanel who played Eileen Hayward is Zooey Deschanel (Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy) and Emily Deschanel's (Bones) mother. Grace Zabriskie who played Sarah Palmer and Warren Frost who played Dr. William Hayward played The Ross' in Seinfeld (Susan's (George's fiance) parents).

Actors: I've mentioned before that I dislike Vin Diesel, well I have more reason. I saw him on both Conan and Letterman this week and he told the same lame anecdote on both shows. I hate that shit. Are you so unimaginative and uninspired that you can't come up with more than one story.? This is also one of the reasons that I really dislike Terrance Howard. When he was promoting "Hustle and Flow" I saw him tell the same pimp story in every fucking interview he did. The guy sucks. As far as I'm concerned he's the poor mans Benicio Del Torro.

Signs: You know how on the door of basically every store in the free world it says "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service". This leads me to this question: Was there a point in time when the streets were rampant with shoeless shirtless people? If yes was that time the 1960's? I just can't envision a time when this must have gotten so out of hand that all business' unanimously proclaimed "We must do something about this!!!!". Oh yeah pets too. I guess people used to just walk into stores wearing nothing but shorts with a few dogs and cats maybe an iguana or two and the store owners couldn't really do shit.

Food (sort of): So I have this can of non-stick cooking spray and as I was spraying it on a cookie sheet the other day I noticed the best before date on the bottom. It read Best Before OCT 2606. I started to envision future generations auctioning off the cooking spray for exorbenant amounts of money as an edible product from 600 years ago. It would be like us finding something from 1406 that was still edible. Obviously the date is meant to read Oct. 26th 2006 but what fun would that be.

evolution revolution

I read an article this week which went on to say that they have proof now that humans are still evolving. From the article: "University of Chicago researchers say they've found approximately 700 regions of the human genome where genes appear to have been reshaped by natural selection within the past 5,000 to 15,000 years!". What surprises me is that until recently it was believed by many that humans stopped evolving 50,000 years ago (this of course doesn't include the people who think it went down with some dust, a rib, an apple and a talking snake). I naturally assumed that it was commonly believed that we have never stopped evolving. This brings me to a few questions...

Why would we have stopped evolving 50, 000 years ago and what would have been the last major step for us?

If that was the case and you took the DNA of a 50,000 year old person cloned them and raised them in today's society would they have no problem living like the rest of us? I guess that would be the ultimate test of nature vs. nurture but I find that it hardly makes sense. 50, 000 years ago is soooooo long ago. Think about how long ago the bible was written, that was only about 2 000 years. WE'RE TALKING 50, 000 HERE.

I bet (certain) humans have evolved in the past 2, 000 years I think it only makes sense that its a constant process. Its not as if we've reached some sort of plateau of perfection.

Bruce Willis: Actor by Numbers

Bruce Willis has 2 movies slated to come out in 2006 called "16 Blocks" and "Lucky Number Slevin". This further solidifies my theory that Bruce Willis is trying to make a movie with every number (from 1 - 20) in the title. Let me demonstrate:

1. The First Deadly Sin
2. Look Who's Talking too
3. Die Hard 3
4. Four Rooms
5. The Fifth Element
6. Sixth Sense
7. Lucky Number Slevin
9. The Whole 9 yards
10. The Whole 10 Yards
12. 12 Monkeys
16. 16 Blocks

Seriously?? You would be hard pressed to find many (if any) other actor's that have this many films with numbers in the titles (excluding of course multiple sequels of the same series ). Willis only needs to make a movie with the number 8 in the title to cover 1 - 10 and then he can work on finishing 11 - 20. I think he'll get it done.

The Faces of Meth

Here is a collection of pics of what meth does to people.
The before picture kinda looks like Stephen Malkmus and the after looks like he's been sleeping on the pavement so it kinda fits.
Did you smoke the meth or rub it in your eyes?
7 months later and an adams apple that has grown 7 times its original size.
It's sad, really.
Thanks for putting a band-aid on otherwise you would have looked pretty repulsive.

I think this guy actually looks a bit better in the after pic. Well he looks scared instead of angry. Actually upon looking at it for a while I don't think its the same person.
I love what you've done with your hair.

This pic is my favorite. The guy looks like the same low budget mother fucker in both pictures he just looks likes he's spent a year in a cabin in the woods.
I find this one strange. It looks like his facial hair hasn't changed at all.
Bored with his mundane existence a sub-par cop turns his life around and becomes an extreme drug addict. Coming this fall a police drama that breaks all the rules. CRYSTAL NIGHTS. check local listings.

One thing is clear about the effects of meth. It fucks up your skin and takes away the part of your brain that makes "hairstyle" decisions.

Computers: Those Amazing Machines 1985 Gallery

I was at a thrift store today and I picked this book up for 13 cents. It was originally 25 cents and everything was 50% off ( but they rounded up, what a rip off).

---

This fella likes to take his laptop where ever he goes, he even has a solar panel attachment to keep the power flowing. The lappy features a large display for all your ascii needs and at a lightweight 25 lbs you can take word processing anywhere you go. No need for a pad and pen when you're living in the future.

---

I don't know about you but if I were to build a robot it's primary function would be watering plants too. I mean who can think of another task that is so difficult and tedious.

---

This here is the Lucas Film crew in 1985 they are using 9 computers to calculate how long it will take before George Lucas destroys the Star Wars franchise. The Answer: under 20 years

---

Speaking of Star Wars, does anyone remember this gem?

---

Herbie Hancock demonstrates an instrument that he says will replace the guitar by 1991.

---

Robot art, the legend continues.

---

This has to be my favorite photo that I've seen in a long time. On the right is the robotic version of a seeing eye dog. It looks like it could be a promo pic from an old John Woo movie. "A Blinder tomorrow"

---

This machine reads books to blind people. Pretty cool its the size of a washing machine and costs $22 million dollars. Books on tape? fuck em! We're living in the future.

---

The worst thing about buying a spider droid from a Jawa after a long day on the moisture farm is moving it around. Not to worry this one climbs easily into the back of your el camino.

---

After sorting out his comb-over Bob gets to work at a simpler task of organizing the wires.

---

This place is called Xanadu The house of the future.

---

In 1985 I was 7 years old. These kids look to be about that age and let me tell you if I had known them at the time I would have hated their guts. My family got our first TV when I was 5 and it was black and white. Also when I was in Elementary school there was 5 computers for our whole school and they were commodore 64's. These little bastards have 2 TV's in their room alone and a computer not to mention that they live in Xanadu the house of the future.

---

by the looks of things the prissy, tie wearing, $4 haircut having, motherfucker is about to take a harsh beating from the other kids.

As long as we've got each other

The other night on Larry King live there was a "Growing Pains Reunion". I was watching it during the commercials of something else (I swear). I'm always interested in these situations to see how the actors justify their current career without admitting to the fact that they're golden days of stardom are long in the past.

As they were going around the table asking everyone what they were up to I couldn't wait for it to get to Jeremy Miller (who played Ben Seaver). This guy disappeared! I mean he vanished faster than a lazy roommate when its time to clean the kitchen. So he says he's been doing acting work in China. But here's the disturbing part Growing Pains is apparently huge in China due to the fact that they only ever have 2 American shows playing there at one time.

According to Alan Thicke in the 80's the only 2 American shows were Growing Pains and Hunter (if you remember Hunter its even stranger that it was the only other show to play). To compound all of this they said that in China they don't think of Growing Pains as a comedy. They take is as a serious show which teaches life lessons etc. The show did have a fair bit of veiled preachyness but what I find disturbing is that there may be a generation of Chinese people who think that growing pains is an accurate representation of the average American family. I mean if that's the only window they were given into the American life its quite possible.

I am also trying to imagine a situation where all the Chinese government officials were sitting around picking through all the 80s sitcoms for one that would be acceptable.

Full House - Possible homosexual undertones OUT
Cheers - Promotes lavish and excessive western gluttony OUT
Perfect Strangers - Balki???????? OUT
Family Ties - Alex P. Keaton is an obvious capitalist OUT
Alf - Family harbors alien but doesn't report it OUT
The Cosby Show - Family with 4 daughters?? OUT
Night Court - Democratic justice system OUT
Growing Pains - Father works from home, Mother is professional, 3 kids, morally wholesome, Mikes best friend's name is Boner IN

Really Bad Tattoos Part 3

In my opinion a celebrity tattoo is probably never a good idea, but some are exceptionally bad.

* I'm not going to criticize someone for being a fan of Weird Al but don't you think a T-shirt would suffice?

* I think that the Celine Dion tattoo must have been drawn from memory or something because it barely resembles her.

* Lastly to the person with the Kevin tattoo: Do you realize that you are a super fan of a band that is directed towards 12 year olds and I think they even broke up about 5 years ago. In 20 years people will just assume it's a tattoo of some creepy dude you used to date.

---

Continuing with the celebrity worship but with a twist.

* Anchorman was an OK movie but definitely not amazing is it really worth this amount of devotion?

* The Mariah Carey Tattoo doesn't even look like the original picture and for some unknown reason they have added things to it.

---

And in the most bizarre case of celebrity worship... For some fucking reason this person got a tattoo of Angelina Jolie's adopted son Maddox. This completely boggles my mind. Has celebrity obsession actually reached this point? I guess it has. What the fuck has happened to the world.

---

Do people not realize how short sighted it is to get technology related tattoos.

* I bet the DVD guy has a VHS tattoo on his other leg, a BETAMAX tattoo on one arm and LASERDISC on the other.

* Martha Stewart served what was it a 6 month prison term? Good thing you decided to get a tattoo so the world would never forget how much suffering the billionaire went through in a minimum security prison. You're right it really was a grave human rights tragedy. Hey have you ever heard of Nelson Mandela? Oh OK I didn't think so.

---

I like to imagine 2 different scenarios relating to Mr. Cool Ice:

1. His friends made up the name purely as a joke and mockingly called him Mr. Cool Ice.

or

2. He came up with the name himself, No one actually calls him that but he constantly refers to himself as Mr. Cool Ice.

both are hilarious in their own right.

check out:
Really Bad Tattoos Part 1
Really Bad Tattoos Part 2
Really Bad Tattoos Part 4
Really Bad Tattoos Part 5
Really Bad Tattoos Part 6
Really Bad Tattoos Part 7
Really Bad Tattoos Part 8