Psycho Killer

I want to talk a bit about the cereal universe. The cereal universe is where all the characters from breakfast cereals live. Straight up the place is fucked, mainly because the inhabitants are so fucked. The place is nothing but vibrant colors and sugar coated food and the streets for the most part are filled with bleary eyed addicts. One thing I noticed recently is that there are no women in the cereal universe (at least not prominent ones) but things may be far worse than a patriarchy, I think that there is a "cereal rapist" and "cereal killer" out there who has systematically disposed of all the women. Lets examine some of the possible suspects.

CAP'N CRUNCH - CAP'N CRUNCH
The Cap'n spends most of his time at sea, battling the "soggies" who may or may not be a figment of his imagination. Judging by his slurred speech he spends most of the time half in the bag.










COUNT CHOCULA - COUNT CHOCULA
The count hangs out at his castle in the mountains with Frankenberry and Boo Berry. Its possible that Fruit Brute is hanging with them too but he hasn't been seen around in a while. This crew generally just sticks with each other and don't seem to be stirring up much trouble. But who knows what a group of hideous monsters is getting up to after dark.








TOUCAN SAM - FROOT LOOPS
"Follow your nose"? Come on Sam your not fooling anyone. We all know that when you're alone you grind up the loops and do "rainblow" rails off of a mynah birds ass feathers. Sam is always looped out of his mind.










LEPRECHAUN - LUCKY CHARMS
The Lucky Charms leprechaun suffers from paranoid schitzophrenia he constantly thinks people are trying to steal his Lucky Charms. Which is pretty odd because they are more likely trying to steal his pot of gold.










SUGAR BEAR - SUGAR CRISP
Sugar bear is a classic addict he "can't get enough of that sugar crisp" he can never get enough. Sugar Bear is what we call a high functioning addict he is more than capable of acquiring his "drug" he even seems to give off an air of calm at all times. He is somewhat of the "James Bond" of cereal addicts, he's kind of a smooth operator.








TRIX RABBIT - TRIX
On the complete opposite end of the spectrum from Sugar Bear we have the Trix Rabbit. No matter how hard he tries he never gets to have the "drug" which he so dearly craves. This leaves him as a fused out jumpy bundle of nerves. It isn't known if the Trix rabbit has actually ever even has a bowl of Trix or if he is just uncontrollably drawn to it like a moth to a patio light.







SONNY - COCOA PUFFS
Sonny is the perfect example of what happens when someone with the personality of the Trix Rabbit actually gets his fix. Sonny as you know is "Cookoo for Cocoa Puffs". In other words this fucker is crazy. He spends his days in drug induced insanity. A highly volatile and erratic individual who should not be trifled with.








TONY THE TIGER - FROSTED FLAKES
If you ask me Tony the Tiger's normal exterior probably hides some demons. Sure he seems like a jovial fun loving character, but looks can be deceiving especially in the cereal universe. Who knows what he gets up to when he goes back to his lair.







You be the judge. I know who I would put my money on.