Poor Mans Actor part 3

 

Krysten Ritter is the poor mans Anne Hathaway

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Katy Perry is the poor mans Zooey Deschanel

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Josh Duhamel is the poor mans Timothy Olyphant

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Missy Peregrym is the poor mans Hillary Swank

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Nancy Mckeon is the poor mans Jonathan Taylor Thomas

 

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Nancy Grace is the poor mans Eddie Izzard in drag

Poor Man's Actor Part 2

Rachel Blanchard is the poor man's Alicia Silverstone

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Monica Potter is the poor man's Julia Roberts

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Benjamin Mackenzie is the poor man's Russel Crowe

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Mark Harmon is the poor man's Kevin Costner

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Zachary Levi (guy from show "Chuck") is the poor man's Jimmy Fallon

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The Kid from the Dennis the Menace movie is the poor man's Dakota Fanning

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John Cryer is the poor man's Matthew Broderick

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Elias Koteas is the poor man's Christopher Meloni

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Aaron Ashmore is the poor man's Shawn Ashmore

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John Leguizamo is annoying as hell... please don't put him in any more movies.

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Check Out:

Poor Man's Actor Part 1

On the Lot - Season Premiere: the pitches

On the lot is a new reality show about a group of aspiring movie directors all vieing for a prize of a million dollar contract with Dreamworks. On the first episode their task was to pitch a movie idea based on one of the following five concepts. I'm glad I didn't have to pitch one of them because this is what I think of when given the ideas...

A slacker applies to the C.I.A. as a joke and is accepted.
At first glance this concept seems like it could only be a comedy and it would have to star some idiot like Pauly Shore (well Pauly Shore if it was the early 90's) in this day and age it would have to star another idiot like.... lets say Jamie Kennedy. The problem is that this movie would never ever ever ever be even remotely funny (not on any level) it would be... well it would be your standard Pauly Shore or Jamie Kennedy movie... ie. ghastly unfunny. I want to take this film in a different direction. The film will be a drama. Not just any drama an utterly dry, 100% serious comedy free drama.(*) The slacker character is not a slacker in the sense of a stoner who sits on the couch eating cheeto's watching Maury but a slacker in the sense that he is so morbidly depressed that he can barely bring himself to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom. He applies to the C.I.A. not as a prank joke like a bunch of half drunk frat boys would find funny but more like a man with such low self esteem attempting to yet again self sabotage himself with an attempt at a job that he feels he would never get. The reasons are unclear why he is actually hired but he isn't hired as some sort of C.I.A. field agent as you may be thinking. He is hired for some sort of lowly data entry clerk type position. He takes the job and basically goes unnoticed and continues his utterly mundane and mediocre existence. This film has very little dialog or even movement. Picture long scenes shot in drab monotone colours of a pathetic looking man staring blankly at walls and such. Movie will star the C list equivalent of Tobey Maguire. The film will be a box office and critical failure but the universe will be better off without another Jamie Kennedy movie.

A man sees his face on the news described as missing or wanted.
Ok this one has to be done in a Phillip K. Dick style of confusing duality etc. So the guy see's himself wanted on the news for some major crime. He has to go on the run to try and figure it all out. Much to his surprise he finds out he has a twin brother . But it turns out that his twin brother actually cloned himself and the clone is the one wanted by the police. The guy finally comes face to face with the clone and the clone tells the guy (the original guy) that he is the clone and not him. So the dude can't figure out if he really is a clone or if he has a twin brother or if he has a twin brother and a twin brother clone. In the end it turns out that there are no clones and that they are identical triplets and the original guy actually was the one wanted by the police because he would commit crimes at night while sleep walking.... actually no fuck it... he would commit crimes at night because he was a werewolf........................ who was actually a clone of his twin brothers werewolf. FUCK YEAH!!!.... I have to work on this one a bit to make it more confusing clonefusing.

A mouse is captured by a pharmaceutical company and must plan his escape.
This would work in the style of Watership down and the Plague dogs. Someone get Richard Adams we have a job for him. Seriously this movie would suck balls if it was like Stuart Little because Stuart Little sucked balls.(**) But if it had a dark edge to it. Animals trying to survive in the world against mysterious and sinister human's who seem capable of nothing but evil. Could be a winner.

A priest meets the woman of his dreams before he is to be ordained.
He becomes a priest and then fucks the broad anyway. Jesus is not impressed.(***) PASS!

A crate bound for a secret military base is delivered to a suburban family.
This one IS a comedy but one geared towards unimaginative/mentally deficient 7 year olds. Tom Arnold is the head of the family his wife is played by the Redheaded Woman from the "Problem Child" movies his son is played by that annoying kid Frankie Muniz who played Malcolm in the middle and the daughter is some other prat. The crate comes to their house but its only filled with styrofoam cups. Some psuedo sinister guy from the military base is sent to try and retrieve the case. He will be played by someone with a moustache. Its one of those movies where people over act and make a big deal about stupid things and ends up getting a 2.1 on the IMDB.

* By creating a film that is 100% serious it will actually be funnier than if it was the Jamie Kennedy comedy.... you just got X'ed

** I've never actually seen Stuart Little

*** I realize that this may in fact be the most offensive think I have ever written... but fuck it. (if yr easily offended what the fuck are you doing on this site?)

Hypothetical Scenarios

You have to spend 1 hour locked in a room with either:
CUJO






















OR

COJO



















WHICH DO YOU CHOOSE?

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Picture this:
a fairly rich man eats a large sized serving of eggs benedict even though he isn't really hungry.

also

a man unjustly fired from his job spends a night throwing eggs at his bosses car.

Do you think the hen who layed all the above mentioned eggs would be more
offended by one of the situations?

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You meet a Genie who offers you as much money as you would like.
THE CATCH: For every $250 the genie will randomly remove 1 word from your vocabulary. You will never be able to learn or understand the lost words again and when you hear them they will just sound like jibberish. You will have to learn to communicate with whatever you have left.

Facts:
1 million dollars: you lose 4,000 words
avg persons vocab: 5 or 6 thousand words

How much money would you take?

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You learn that James Blunt is a psychotic axe murderer













Are you even surprised?

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You meet another genie he gives you two options?
For the rest of your life you can only listen to either:
the genre of music that you most despise
or
your all time favorite album

CATCH:

for the genre you hate you can listen to any bands or artists (within that genre) whenever and however frequently you like but that is it.

for your favorite album you must listen to if on repeat for the rest of your life with no break.

Which do you choose?

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This idea partially inspired by Chuck Klosterman's 23 questions

Fuck Mel Gibson

Seriously, as far as I'm concerned the guy can eat a garbage bag full of dicks. I'll admit that I was into the "Mad Max" movies, the "Lethal Weapon" flicks were decent (despite getting the tbs treatment is recent years), "conspiracy theory" was alright and I was even kinda a fan of Payback but when Gibson got on the whole "Passion of the Christ" thing it didn't really work for me. The whole thing just rubbed me the wrong way. The reports were that at the end of it all "The Passion of the Chirst" will have earned Gibson upwards of One Billion Dollars. Now I've always felt that if Gibson is truly a faithful man and truly just wanted to show the what happened to Jesus then he should donate every penny of profit from that film to charity and if not he should be confronted with some serious questions.

The guy is full of shit instead of making a film depicting all the good things that Jesus did he chose to ultimately make one about Jesus final hours of suffering and death. Hmmm I wonder why, could it be that that's what would sell and make him shitloads of money. Now I know that the crucifixion is an important part in the story of Jesus but if that's all you show the question is What are you trying to say with this film?

It would sort of be like if a film maker went up to the studio and said:
film maker: I want to make a movie about Elvis
studio: So do you want to portray Elvis' rise to fame and how he made music that many people loved and identified with?
film maker: Oh no not at all. I want to make a movie about Elvis' last hours when he was fucked up on pills and then show him dying on a toilet.

So the recent news about Gibson getting pulled over drunk and spouting anti-Semitic remarks further solidifies the case that the guy is full of shit. Being drunk is no excuse, you don't say things when you're drunk unless you actually believe them. I mean when I'm drunk I'm not going to start yelling I hate Nickelback If I really don't (I really do). So Gibson isn't going to be making anti-Semitic remarks when he's drunk unless he is in fact a anti-Semite. Now you may be asking "Hey wasn't Jesus Jewish? How can Mel Gibson be an anti-Semite?". If I can re-iterate a point: MEL GIBSON IS FULL OF SHIT. From what I've heard Jesus is a pretty forgiving guy and I guess you'd have to be if you're so called followers are shit bags like Gibson.

Conversation between Jesus and Mel Gibson I would like to see:
Jesus: So I saw that movie you made about me getting beaten tortured and then crucified
Gibson: What did you think?
Jesus: Too much whipping not enough leper healing I was hoping to maybe see some scenes where I helped people, you know loving people was really the message I was trying to get across.
Gibson: Well I made a lot of money with that movie. I even started selling official "passion of the Christ" crucifixion nails
Jesus: Do you remember when I found people selling things in the temple I was rather upset and I even tossed over the vendors tables. Have you ever even read the bible?
Gibson: Well ummm....
Jesus: Mel?
Gibson: I read some of it...
Jesus: And what did you learn from it?
Gibson: That is would make a big blockbuster movie

Random Musings

TV Series: Every morning while I eat my breakfast and drink my green tea I like to watch an episode of a selected TV series. Watching a series in sequence day to day is so much better than watching it on TV, you don't have to wait a week for the next episode and there are no commercials. Right now I am watching "Twin Peaks". What a great show. There were only 2 seasons before it was cancelled. Fans of the show say that it was ahead of its time and I guess it was to a certain extent. It was on when I was a kid and I always remember it was known as a weird show, but watching it today it is certainly no weirder than "Lost" and definitely less cryptic. Anyway "Twin Peaks" has some interesting parental connections to modern day stars. Russ Tamblyn who played Dr. Lawrence Jacoby is Amber Tamblyn's (Joan of Arcadia)Father. Mary Jo Deschanel who played Eileen Hayward is Zooey Deschanel (Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy) and Emily Deschanel's (Bones) mother. Grace Zabriskie who played Sarah Palmer and Warren Frost who played Dr. William Hayward played The Ross' in Seinfeld (Susan's (George's fiance) parents).

Actors: I've mentioned before that I dislike Vin Diesel, well I have more reason. I saw him on both Conan and Letterman this week and he told the same lame anecdote on both shows. I hate that shit. Are you so unimaginative and uninspired that you can't come up with more than one story.? This is also one of the reasons that I really dislike Terrance Howard. When he was promoting "Hustle and Flow" I saw him tell the same pimp story in every fucking interview he did. The guy sucks. As far as I'm concerned he's the poor mans Benicio Del Torro.

Signs: You know how on the door of basically every store in the free world it says "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service". This leads me to this question: Was there a point in time when the streets were rampant with shoeless shirtless people? If yes was that time the 1960's? I just can't envision a time when this must have gotten so out of hand that all business' unanimously proclaimed "We must do something about this!!!!". Oh yeah pets too. I guess people used to just walk into stores wearing nothing but shorts with a few dogs and cats maybe an iguana or two and the store owners couldn't really do shit.

Food (sort of): So I have this can of non-stick cooking spray and as I was spraying it on a cookie sheet the other day I noticed the best before date on the bottom. It read Best Before OCT 2606. I started to envision future generations auctioning off the cooking spray for exorbenant amounts of money as an edible product from 600 years ago. It would be like us finding something from 1406 that was still edible. Obviously the date is meant to read Oct. 26th 2006 but what fun would that be.

Bruce Willis: Actor by Numbers

Bruce Willis has 2 movies slated to come out in 2006 called "16 Blocks" and "Lucky Number Slevin". This further solidifies my theory that Bruce Willis is trying to make a movie with every number (from 1 - 20) in the title. Let me demonstrate:

1. The First Deadly Sin
2. Look Who's Talking too
3. Die Hard 3
4. Four Rooms
5. The Fifth Element
6. Sixth Sense
7. Lucky Number Slevin
9. The Whole 9 yards
10. The Whole 10 Yards
12. 12 Monkeys
16. 16 Blocks

Seriously?? You would be hard pressed to find many (if any) other actor's that have this many films with numbers in the titles (excluding of course multiple sequels of the same series ). Willis only needs to make a movie with the number 8 in the title to cover 1 - 10 and then he can work on finishing 11 - 20. I think he'll get it done.

Really Bad Tattoos Part 3

In my opinion a celebrity tattoo is probably never a good idea, but some are exceptionally bad.

* I'm not going to criticize someone for being a fan of Weird Al but don't you think a T-shirt would suffice?

* I think that the Celine Dion tattoo must have been drawn from memory or something because it barely resembles her.

* Lastly to the person with the Kevin tattoo: Do you realize that you are a super fan of a band that is directed towards 12 year olds and I think they even broke up about 5 years ago. In 20 years people will just assume it's a tattoo of some creepy dude you used to date.

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Continuing with the celebrity worship but with a twist.

* Anchorman was an OK movie but definitely not amazing is it really worth this amount of devotion?

* The Mariah Carey Tattoo doesn't even look like the original picture and for some unknown reason they have added things to it.

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And in the most bizarre case of celebrity worship... For some fucking reason this person got a tattoo of Angelina Jolie's adopted son Maddox. This completely boggles my mind. Has celebrity obsession actually reached this point? I guess it has. What the fuck has happened to the world.

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Do people not realize how short sighted it is to get technology related tattoos.

* I bet the DVD guy has a VHS tattoo on his other leg, a BETAMAX tattoo on one arm and LASERDISC on the other.

* Martha Stewart served what was it a 6 month prison term? Good thing you decided to get a tattoo so the world would never forget how much suffering the billionaire went through in a minimum security prison. You're right it really was a grave human rights tragedy. Hey have you ever heard of Nelson Mandela? Oh OK I didn't think so.

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I like to imagine 2 different scenarios relating to Mr. Cool Ice:

1. His friends made up the name purely as a joke and mockingly called him Mr. Cool Ice.

or

2. He came up with the name himself, No one actually calls him that but he constantly refers to himself as Mr. Cool Ice.

both are hilarious in their own right.

check out:
Really Bad Tattoos Part 1
Really Bad Tattoos Part 2
Really Bad Tattoos Part 4
Really Bad Tattoos Part 5
Really Bad Tattoos Part 6
Really Bad Tattoos Part 7
Really Bad Tattoos Part 8

Baywatch Memories

Found this pic on awfulplasticsurgery.com. Remember that kid who played Hasselhoff's son Hobie on Batwatch? Well this is him now. I find it strange that he's only 25 yet he looks like a washed up 45 year old european pop star.