Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Poor Mans Actor part 3
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Poor Man's Actor Part 2
Rachel Blanchard is the poor man's Alicia Silverstone
Monica Potter is the poor man's Julia Roberts
Benjamin Mackenzie is the poor man's Russel Crowe
Mark Harmon is the poor man's Kevin Costner
Zachary Levi (guy from show "Chuck") is the poor man's Jimmy Fallon
The Kid from the Dennis the Menace movie is the poor man's Dakota Fanning
John Cryer is the poor man's Matthew Broderick
Elias Koteas is the poor man's Christopher Meloni
Aaron Ashmore is the poor man's Shawn Ashmore
John Leguizamo is annoying as hell... please don't put him in any more movies.
Check Out:
Poor Man's Actor Part 1
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Random stuff
So remember before they caught Ted Kaczynski they had the sketch going around and then they caught him and it looked nothing like him. Well I think they may have the wrong guy.
MORE TROUBLE FOR JACKO!!!
For those who haven't heard ironic fashion has reached new heights. The new look for fall is the dictator look. Behold:
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
On the Lot - Season Premiere: the pitches
A slacker applies to the C.I.A. as a joke and is accepted.
At first glance this concept seems like it could only be a comedy and it would have to star some idiot like Pauly Shore (well Pauly Shore if it was the early 90's) in this day and age it would have to star another idiot like.... lets say Jamie Kennedy. The problem is that this movie would never ever ever ever be even remotely funny (not on any level) it would be... well it would be your standard Pauly Shore or Jamie Kennedy movie... ie. ghastly unfunny. I want to take this film in a different direction. The film will be a drama. Not just any drama an utterly dry, 100% serious comedy free drama.(*) The slacker character is not a slacker in the sense of a stoner who sits on the couch eating cheeto's watching Maury but a slacker in the sense that he is so morbidly depressed that he can barely bring himself to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom. He applies to the C.I.A. not as a prank joke like a bunch of half drunk frat boys would find funny but more like a man with such low self esteem attempting to yet again self sabotage himself with an attempt at a job that he feels he would never get. The reasons are unclear why he is actually hired but he isn't hired as some sort of C.I.A. field agent as you may be thinking. He is hired for some sort of lowly data entry clerk type position. He takes the job and basically goes unnoticed and continues his utterly mundane and mediocre existence. This film has very little dialog or even movement. Picture long scenes shot in drab monotone colours of a pathetic looking man staring blankly at walls and such. Movie will star the C list equivalent of Tobey Maguire. The film will be a box office and critical failure but the universe will be better off without another Jamie Kennedy movie.
A man sees his face on the news described as missing or wanted.
Ok this one has to be done in a Phillip K. Dick style of confusing duality etc. So the guy see's himself wanted on the news for some major crime. He has to go on the run to try and figure it all out. Much to his surprise he finds out he has a twin brother . But it turns out that his twin brother actually cloned himself and the clone is the one wanted by the police. The guy finally comes face to face with the clone and the clone tells the guy (the original guy) that he is the clone and not him. So the dude can't figure out if he really is a clone or if he has a twin brother or if he has a twin brother and a twin brother clone. In the end it turns out that there are no clones and that they are identical triplets and the original guy actually was the one wanted by the police because he would commit crimes at night while sleep walking.... actually no fuck it... he would commit crimes at night because he was a werewolf........................ who was actually a clone of his twin brothers werewolf. FUCK YEAH!!!.... I have to work on this one a bit to make it more
A mouse is captured by a pharmaceutical company and must plan his escape.
This would work in the style of Watership down and the Plague dogs. Someone get Richard Adams we have a job for him. Seriously this movie would suck balls if it was like Stuart Little because Stuart Little sucked balls.(**) But if it had a dark edge to it. Animals trying to survive in the world against mysterious and sinister human's who seem capable of nothing but evil. Could be a winner.
A priest meets the woman of his dreams before he is to be ordained.
A crate bound for a secret military base is delivered to a suburban family.
This one IS a comedy but one geared towards unimaginative/mentally deficient 7 year olds. Tom Arnold is the head of the family his wife is played by the Redheaded Woman from the "Problem Child" movies his son is played by that annoying kid Frankie Muniz who played Malcolm in the middle and the daughter is some other prat. The crate comes to their house but its only filled with styrofoam cups. Some psuedo sinister guy from the military base is sent to try and retrieve the case. He will be played by someone with a moustache. Its one of those movies where people over act and make a big deal about stupid things and ends up getting a 2.1 on the IMDB.
* By creating a film that is 100% serious it will actually be funnier than if it was the Jamie Kennedy comedy.... you just got X'ed
** I've never actually seen Stuart Little
*** I realize that this may in fact be the most offensive think I have ever written... but fuck it. (if yr easily offended what the fuck are you doing on this site?)
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
The Academy vs the Public
Below I have included all the times in the past 20 years that the academy picked a best picture that had a lower user rating than another nominee.
2003
- Chicago - 7.4
Other Nominees:
· Gangs of New York - 7.2
· Hours, The - 7.6
· Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The - 8.7
· Pianist, The - 8.4
2002
- Beautiful Mind, A - 7.8
Other Nominees:
· Gosford Park - 7.2
· In the Bedroom - 7.4
· Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The - 8.7
· Moulin Rouge! - 7.7
The results may be a tad skewed for 2002 and 2003 because we have to assume that there are a fairly large number of LOTR fanboys voting in drones. Personally I never understood why everyone had such a hard on for those movies. They just didn't do it for me. One thing is for damn sure though. The Pianist should have beaten that piece of shit Chicago.1999
- Shakespeare in Love - 7.4
Other Nominees:
· Elizabeth - 7.6
· Saving Private Ryan - 8.4
· Thin Red Line, The - 7.3
· Vita è bella, La - 8.4
I remember this year vividly and how bizarre it was that Shakespeare in Love won especially over Saving Private Ryan and Life is Beautiful. I guess I'm not alone.1998
Winner:
- Titanic - 7.0
Other Nominees:
· As Good as It Gets - 7.7
· Full Monty, The - 7.2
· Good Will Hunting - 7.9
· L.A. Confidential - 8.4
Now here is a really anomalous year. The winner has the lowest rating of all the nominees and it really deserves the lowest. Lets face it Titanic wasn't a great movie it was a fucking fad. Over hyped nonsense. Although I do have to say it was a pretty good story, I mean I totally didn't expect the ship to sink.1997
Winner:
- English Patient, The - 7.1
Other Nominees:
· Fargo - 8.2
· Jerry Maguire - 7.2
· Secrets & Lies - 7.8
· Shine - 7.5
The funny thing about this year is that I have absolutely no memory of the movies Secrets & Lies or Shine.1995
Winner:
- Forrest Gump - 8.3
Other Nominees:
· Four Weddings and a Funeral - 7.1
· Pulp Fiction - 8.8
· Quiz Show - 7.4
· Shawshank Redemption, The - 9.2
Ok this may go down as the biggest academy fuck up ever. FORREST GUMP BEAT SHAWSHANK??? Shawshank is the imdb's second highest rated movie of all time (right behind the Godfather). Forrest Gump is a movie in which Tom Hanks acted like an idiot. hmmm oh and Gary Sinise was in it too..... WHAT???? can we revoke oscars???? (We'll pick that one up on the way to Halle Berry's house) .1992
Winner:
Other Nominees:
· Beauty and the Beast - 7.8
· Bugsy - 6.6
· JFK - 7.9
· Prince of Tides, The - 6.2
Interesting facts this year. Prince of tides is the lowest rated best picture nominee of the past 20 years, while Terminator 2: Judgment day (8.3) is nowhere to be found.1991
Winner:
- Dances with Wolves - 7.8
Other Nominees:
· Awakenings - 7.4
· Ghost - 6.8
· Godfather: Part III, The - 7.4
· Goodfellas - 8.7
Its funny that Godfather 3 is regarded as a joke and that Ghost is regarded as one of Patrick Swayze's best movies. But look at the ratings. I actually saw Swayze the other day at some really low budget dive bar. I asked him if he was filming a sequel to "Roadhouse" he said no and then took my drink order.1990
- Driving Miss Daisy - 7.4
Other Nominees:
· Born on the Fourth of July - 7.0
· Dead Poets Society - 7.7
· Field of Dreams - 7.6
· My Left Foot - 7.6
So there you have it. Of the last 20 Academy Awards 9 didnt go with the public's popular opinion.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Hypothetical Scenarios
CUJO
OR
COJO
WHICH DO YOU CHOOSE?
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Picture this:
a fairly rich man eats a large sized serving of eggs benedict even though he isn't really hungry.
also
a man unjustly fired from his job spends a night throwing eggs at his bosses car.
Do you think the hen who layed all the above mentioned eggs would be more
offended by one of the situations?
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You meet a Genie who offers you as much money as you would like.
THE CATCH: For every $250 the genie will randomly remove 1 word from your vocabulary. You will never be able to learn or understand the lost words again and when you hear them they will just sound like jibberish. You will have to learn to communicate with whatever you have left.
Facts:
1 million dollars: you lose 4,000 words
avg persons vocab: 5 or 6 thousand words
How much money would you take?
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You learn that James Blunt is a psychotic axe murderer
Are you even surprised?
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You meet another genie he gives you two options?
For the rest of your life you can only listen to either:
the genre of music that you most despise
or
your all time favorite album
CATCH:
for the genre you hate you can listen to any bands or artists (within that genre) whenever and however frequently you like but that is it.
for your favorite album you must listen to if on repeat for the rest of your life with no break.
Which do you choose?
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This idea partially inspired by Chuck Klosterman's 23 questions
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Severance - Toronto International Film Festival
This film mixes the comedy and horror pefectly (unlike black sheep which I saw earlier). Both elements are balanced nicely without one over shadowing the other. The film also purposely goes in the opposite direction of every horror cliche without blatantly speaking about it (like in Scream). Good movie.
The Fountain - Toronto International Film Festival
As with all of Aronofsky's films this one really makes you think about life and the larger issues facing us. I always said that Requiem for a Dream was a great movie but that I would never watch it again because it was so intense that afterwards I was in a very strange mental state.
Although one of this films main themes is death it is dealt with in a very positive manner. The visual effects are amazing and Hugh Jackman's performance is stellar. Check it out.
American Hardcore - Toronto International Film Festival
There are a few interesting interview moments and some decent Bad Brains footage but as a film this movie was very poorly put together (which is surprising because the director said they had been working on it for 5 years). It almost felt like they just took a bunch of clips and just randomly threw them together. Someone else described it well when they said that the order of the clips could have run completely in reverse and it wouldnt have made a difference. For a film about a genre of music that is generally fast, tight, very structured with a definative political message, this film seems to lack any sort of cohesive stucture or point (it was hard to see what they were trying to say with it). This could have been done much better especially seeing as the film makers said they had hundreds of hours of interview material. Die hard fans only.
Trapped Ashes - Toronto International Film Festival
The problem is that the whole thing was pretty weak. None of the stories were very engaging. For a horror film that was supposed to have humorous moments it was neither scary nor funny (not even in an ironic sense). The effects were so poorly done (it looked like a cheap episode of the outer limits). I don't even think big fans of the directors will be a fan of this one.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
This is England - Toronto International Film Festival
Director Shane Meadows does a brilliant job of illustrating the atmosphere and social status of this slice of England in 1983. The characters are well defined and even Combo who could have easily been portrayed as a monster is shown to have many layers beneath his anger and emotional problems. First time actor Thomas Turgoose proves himself as a true natural in the role of Shaun (who in fact is based largely on director Meadows.) The film also touches on the history of skinheads instead of painting them all with a stereotypically negative brush. The soundtrack is great and the shots and locations are perfect. Worth checking out.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
The Abandoned - Toronto International Film Festival
from the official website:
An American film producer named Marie returns to her homeland,
, where her Mothers dead body has been found under bizarre circumstances. She never knew her, having been adopted and brought to Russia as a baby. The only clue to what might have happened is an isolated, abandoned farm in the mountains that supposedly belonged to her natural parents. America Being the only next of kin, she inherits the place, but no one will take her there as local superstitions state that the area is... DAMNED. Only one man will embark on such a dangerous and long journey... A stranger that oddly seems to know quite a bit about her history... But once arrived, the guide mysteriously disappears, forcing Marie to explore the derelict location alone.
She discovers someone else on the property... A man named Nikolai, who claims to have been lured there exactly in the same manner, so he could discover the truth behind his unknown past as well.
They become stranded in the immense compound, plagued by terrifying, ghostly visions The problem is that the ghosts that wander around are THEIR OWN. Dead versions of themselves marauder between the buildings in the night
Time begins to move in reverse as history re-lives itself in front of their very eyes. While both their ghosts, illustrating exactly how they will die, patiently await their living counterparts to expire. A cycle of horror comes to fruition, as they are revealed the reason they have been summoned for this perverse reunion And the brutal secret behind their family.
I'm not really up to date with modern horror movies, but this movie was pretty damn freaky. The sound effects, soundtrack and audio atmospheres were very well made to create an exteremely distrubing film experience (it was probably enhanced by the fact that the sound at this particular showing was really really loud... and I'm sure they did this on purpose to enhance the effect). Considering this is Cerda's first feature it was well done.
STRIKE - Toronto International Film Festival
Black Sheep - Toronto International Film Festival
All in all the film was average, although it was great to see a movie made with no CGI and actual puppets etc ( I much prefer this method as I despise CGI) it still fell flat in many areas.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Toronto International Film Festival
It seemed like there was no chance that we would see this movie until it came out in wide release (Which is Nov. 3rd so its not that bad)
Huge cash was being paid for any tickets people were willing to part with (one American fellow paid $400) .
(The following is information I have gathered from other festival goers)
The night of the screening (Thursday 11:59) Borat showed up to the red carpet on a wagon pulled by four peasant women with his horse beside him giving air "high fives" to the crowd (see pic above). He then proceeded to give interviews to the press. Also speaking to the press was Michael Moore who was there to see the movie. Eventually everyone proceeded into the theatre.
At the festival they have what's called a "rush line" this is a line that you can stand in to get the tickets of anyone that didn't show up, so after they let in all the ticket holders they go around and count how many extra seats are left and then let that many from the rush line in. Even though the 1,260 seater was completely sold out the rush line had hundreds of people in it and the one's at the front had been waiting for about 8 hours. At final count they let 4 people from the rush line in.
After all that anticipation the film started and the projector broke down after about 10 minutes. They scrambled around trying to fix it (even Michael Moore who used to be a projectionist took a crack at trying to get it going). Borat, director Larry Charles and even Moore stood on stage and answered questions from the audience. As time went on it became clear that they were not going to get the projector fixed . The screening was moved to Friday night at the Elgin Theatre. Bad news for some, but great news for us. The Elgin is a bigger theatre so more tickets were available and we got tickets to the show.
The basic story of the film is that the Kazakhi government has sent Borat to the US (specifically New York City) to learn from American culture to better Kazakhstan, but when Borat sees Pamela Anderson's character C.J. on a re-run of Baywatch he falls in love and decides he must travel to California so he can marry her. Really though the story isn't important, its just an excuse for Borat to travel the country and interview unsuspecting people in his trademark style. I think the brilliance of the character is that you never question the character of Borat. Sacha Baron Cohen has the character so well refined that it doesn't seem like you're watching him play Borat, its just Borat. The film is easily one of the funniest and most offensive I've seen in years, well only offensive if you take any of it seriously. Cohen also has a great ability of making people expose their most ridiculous prejudices candidly on film with no remorse. In fact he describes the film as a "dramatic demonstration of how racism feeds on dumb conformity, as much as rabid bigotry." Happy Time!
* During the Q an A on opening night some asked Moore if he had seen "Team America"? He said "not yet, but I hear I get blown up"
** Michael Moore was also at the re-screening on Friday night as well as Dustin Hoffman
Saturday, September 02, 2006
The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Anyone that knows anything about Johnston knows that he has battled mental illness for some time and there are stories that seem almost too bizarre to be true surrounding his life and career. When I heard that they were making a documentary about him I couldn't wait to see it. Well....... I finally saw it and I have to say it doesn't disappoint. The story is tragic in many ways but beautiful in many ways too. I really don't want to say too much about the film but I would recommend it to anyone who is a fan or a fan of a good documentary. Watch the trailer if you need more convincing.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Fuck Mel Gibson
The guy is full of shit instead of making a film depicting all the good things that Jesus did he chose to ultimately make one about Jesus final hours of suffering and death. Hmmm I wonder why, could it be that that's what would sell and make him shitloads of money. Now I know that the crucifixion is an important part in the story of Jesus but if that's all you show the question is What are you trying to say with this film?
It would sort of be like if a film maker went up to the studio and said:
film maker: I want to make a movie about Elvis
studio: So do you want to portray Elvis' rise to fame and how he made music that many people loved and identified with?
film maker: Oh no not at all. I want to make a movie about Elvis' last hours when he was fucked up on pills and then show him dying on a toilet.
So the recent news about Gibson getting pulled over drunk and spouting anti-Semitic remarks further solidifies the case that the guy is full of shit. Being drunk is no excuse, you don't say things when you're drunk unless you actually believe them. I mean when I'm drunk I'm not going to start yelling I hate Nickelback If I really don't (I really do). So Gibson isn't going to be making anti-Semitic remarks when he's drunk unless he is in fact a anti-Semite. Now you may be asking "Hey wasn't Jesus Jewish? How can Mel Gibson be an anti-Semite?". If I can re-iterate a point: MEL GIBSON IS FULL OF SHIT. From what I've heard Jesus is a pretty forgiving guy and I guess you'd have to be if you're so called followers are shit bags like Gibson.
Conversation between Jesus and Mel Gibson I would like to see:
Jesus: So I saw that movie you made about me getting beaten tortured and then crucified
Gibson: What did you think?
Jesus: Too much whipping not enough leper healing I was hoping to maybe see some scenes where I helped people, you know loving people was really the message I was trying to get across.
Gibson: Well I made a lot of money with that movie. I even started selling official "passion of the Christ" crucifixion nails
Jesus: Do you remember when I found people selling things in the temple I was rather upset and I even tossed over the vendors tables. Have you ever even read the bible?
Gibson: Well ummm....
Jesus: Mel?
Gibson: I read some of it...
Jesus: And what did you learn from it?
Gibson: That is would make a big blockbuster movie





