Ask Dr. Bright part 7

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I g...."

Why do I get dizzy:  I covered this in the last installment of "Ask Dr. Bright".  Geez if you guys aren't even going to pay attention why should I bother.  I know a lot of you are on heavy amounts of medication which is my fault I know.  I mean I am the one who prescribed them to you.  I take ownership in that but please try and pay attention when we have our little question and answer sessions.

Why do I get canker sores: There are many different theories as to why canker sores appear.  I have my own which I will share with you.  A canker sore is an annoying and slightly painful affliction which appears in your mouth produced by the subconscious part of your mind.  Most likely you have annoyed or caused minor pain to someone with your careless words and now you are being warned to be more aware of how

the things you say affect others.  Either that or you ate too many lemons.  Did you really need to eat 3 whole lemons?

Why do I get dizzy when I stand up: Do you understand the concept of inertia? You should have learned it way back in grade school science. Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest, or the tendency of an object to resist any change in its motion. The reason you feel dizzy when you stand up is that the rules of inertia are being appled to your consciousness.  Your physical body may be able to stand up fairly quickly but it takes a second for your "self" to catch up and so there is a delay.

Why do I get leg cramps:  Leg cramps are most often caused by Poison Ivy and also a Lux Interior.

Ask Dr. Bright part 6

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I e...."

1. Why do I fart so much:  Hey I'm a doctor not your 3rd grade buddy on the playground.  I refuse to engage in something so crude and juvenile.  If you have a legitimate question you can come back and ask it when you've settled down a little. 

2. Why do I feel sad:  My question for you is how else would you expect to perceive sadness?  You can't taste or smell sadness and the only time you can see sadness is in the Wal-mart express checkout line (you know the one where everyone is led like cattle to the slaughter down a narrow impulse buy corridor) 

3. Why do I feel dizzy:  Of course you feel Dizzy. Gillespie is one wild horn player man. That hep cat can really blow he must have balloon lungs. I dig what you're putting out there I feel him too.  Don't question it Daddy-o just go with it.

4. Why do I feel so tired:  Whats with all the "feeling" questions today people?  I have to analyze the way you've asked this question.  You aren't asking "Why am I so tired?" you only want to know why you feel tired.  This implies that you are concerned with your perception of tiredness rather than actual tiredness. When you get hungry do you ask yourself "Why do I feel hunger?" or do you realize that you should just eat? I want you to sleep on that idea for at least 8 hours and get back to me.

Ask Dr. Bright part 5

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I e...."

 
1. Why Do I Eat so Much: You eat because humans need food to survive.  Geez this is basic survival people.

2. Why Do I Exist: Well I have to tell you that you actually do not exist, well at least not the version of you that posed that question as it was written in the past.  The past does not exist and neither does the future.  The present is all that exists.  Embrace the now.

3. Why Do I Eat Poop: Before I tackle your rather crude question I first have to address the fact that you are extremely evolved for a dog.  The fact that you can not only type but that you also understand the concept of the internet and search engines is quite remarkable.  Don't become too obsessed with the shit eating as it is very common for the canine species.  My advice is to focus on the skills that you possess that 99.9% of the other dogs out there do not.

4. Why do I Even Bother: I know this pain. Why do lock yourself up in these chains? No one can change your life except for you. Don't ever let anyone step all over you. Just open your heart and your mind. Is it really fair to feel this way inside? Some day somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye. Until then baby are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry. Don't you know?

Don't you know things can change. Things'll go your way. If you hold on for one more day. Can you hold on for one more day. Things'll go your way. Hold on for one more day.

Ask Dr. Bright part 4

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I d...."

 

1. Why do I Discharge so Much: Discharge are a great hardcore band from the UK.  It isn't surprising that you listen to them a lot.

 

2. Why Do I Drink: The reason you drink is because the human body needs to stay hydrated.  We need fluids to survive.

3.  Why Do I Dream so Much: If you feel that you are dreaming too much maybe what you perceive as your reality is actually the dream and vice versa.

4.  Why Do I Dream: You dream because your real life is terrible.

Ask Dr. Bright part 3

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I c...."

1-2:. The reason you cry so easily is directly related to your salt craving.  You consume far too much sodium and your body is having trouble expelling the excess amounts.  It is literally seeping out of every one of your orifices. If you continue down this path you will start to wake up with about a half cup of course salt granules in your mouth or on your pillow.

3. Why Do I Cough: I'm sure that you've heard the old tale that you swallow 4 spiders in your sleep each year.  This is untrue. You actually inhale 4 spiders in your sleep each year.  There is a 90% chance the cough is caused by spider webs 10% chance that you eat too much dairy.

4. Why Do I Crave Sugar: You crave sugar because you eat too much salt.

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Ask Dr. Bright part 2

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I b....."

2. Why Do I Bruise so Easily: The reason you bruise easily is because you are what we call in the medical community a "wimp" also known colloquially as a "pussy". Its probably not your fault as I'm sure you come from a long lineage of pussies.

3. Why Do I Burp So Much: The reason you burp too much is because you  have no class. This can be solved by attending weekly etiquette classes. 

4. Why Do I Bleed When I Poop: I'm sorry to say this is quite serious and can only result from 3 things. 

•  You have swallowed a shard of glass and it is slowly tearing your insides apart.
•  You have become host to a violent parasite and it is quickly tearing your insides apart.
•  Someone you love is poisoning you and your heart is bleeding excessively (not as a result of the poison but as a result of the betrayal. This all works on a subconscious level)

Ask Dr. Bright part 1

Dr. Bright answers the burning questions that the world is asking. Using Google's "predictive search string" feature I have gathered the most commonly searched questions following the query "Why do I a...."

1-4: Well you seem to have yourself in quite a predicament here. Its what we call a vicious cycle.  The problem is that you are a food addict.  You always feel hungry because you cannot satisfy your addiction so you get yourself into a pattern of over eating which ultimately leaves you tired bloated and nauseous.  My advice to you is start smoking, it will cure all the above ailments despite a few side effects of its own.  I can prepare you a prescription.

Craigslist finds

So everyone is familiar with Craigslist, its the internet's largest online classifieds and it really has everything. Recently I started browsing the "Strictly Platonic" sub-section of the Personals. I browsed the latest listings of all the major cities in the USA and Canada and I discovered some interesting facts:

• There are a surprising amount of people looking for complete strangers to get high with and go watch the movie "Pan's Labyrinth" (I'd never heard of it until now but its getting a really good rating on the imdb.
• There are a hell of a lot of Women looking for gay men as friends and many of them talk about having a gay friend as if they were some sort of a pet or accessory. (I think we can thank Will and Grace for this kind of shit.)

The following is an unedited collection of other random stuff I found in the "Strictly Platonic" section.

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infomation guzzler - m4w - 29

I NEED WOMEN WITH THE SMART TO ASSIST ME IN THE ART MAKING CASH FAST.DO WHAT EVE IT TAKES WITH THE EXCEPTION OF DESTROYING OTHER

The guy included a pic of himself. Two words: Big Pimp

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looking for help from friend - 20

apt fot fired and i wanted to trade for tab
it got fired good
you be : similar, observant, safe

**yay friends**
green is the magic
for the rainbow

for the most part those are English words but none of this post made any sense to me at all. It looks as if it was created by a random sentence generator.

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those shoes are mine betch!

if you enjoy miller high life, gold lame, and area rugs with animals on them, we should hang out.

your myspace gets mine.

Come on, who doesn't like rugs with animals on them?

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anyone have info on boob jobs? eg, price, good surgeons, etc

also curious as to if there's any way insurance would cover some of it or if some doctors do pro-bono work for anything that isn't disfiguring. i have body dysmorphic disorder.

If you have body dysmorphic disorder like Jenny (from the "Why I hate plastic surgery article") and you know and admit you have it wouldn't it be better to be posting looking for help rather than surgery (I know I'm being glib, I'll stop now)

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Act Like A Dog - m4w - 28

I'm looking for a woman to get on all fours in public and act like a dog. I will put a leash on you, and you will walk, sit, stay, roll over at my command. When strangers pass by, you will leap onto their legs and pant with your tongue out. When you are disappointed, you will make that cute little sound dogs make when they are told go. Please make sure that you are attractive. Serious responses only!

Serious responses only ladies.

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Friend Handy With A Sponge - m4w - 20

Hi, I need a friend who's handy with a sponge. I've been having medical problems on and off for the past couple years. You see, sometimes, I wet myself, sometimes I puke myself, and sometimes I just juice all over the floor. I need someone who's willing to be my friend and help me mop up after some of my episodes. I promise lots of good times. You: bring rubber gloves (if thats how you roll), and bring some plastic bags (we can try to trap my juices before they become a mess). I: will give you a dry place to sleep, and endless fun as we try to anticipate my next fruity explosion

Really?? Who the hell would respond to this??

Hot item up on eBay

You have a chance to own a piece of art history. Check the link to this item on eBay

no way to collapse the lung

My internet was down for several hours tonight and I realized how hopelessly addicted to it I really am. Here I have this amazing computer cabable of running all sorts of interesting and exciting programs and yet when my connection is down I feel cut-off and out of touch with the world of data. Not that I would be doing anything terribly important but I still feel like there is so much missing running the ordinateur with no internet. Its almost like having one of your senses cut off, hey for the next couple of hours youre going to be blind. I became extremely irratible and angry. It may be due in part that the only thing I could watch on my cable-less tv was the season finale of the Swan. That show is totally awfull for many many reasons, but at least it affirms an important point-----> If you are beautiful(beauty being defined by a television show) you
will be happy. Its crazy living in the future.