I live with my brother (well both my brothers actually). The older of the 2 has a cat named "Chairman Meow" (as seen in the picture laughing manically).Facts about the cat:
-he is male
-he is black with a couple of white spots
-he is about 9 months old
-HE IS A TOTAL FUCKING DICKHEAD (at least to me)
I think I've always been pretty nice to the cat. I feed him when my brother isn't around to do it, when I eat cereal I give him the last little bit of milk in the bowl because he likes that etc. How does he treat me? Well for one, when I walk up or down the stairs he will "bat" at me with his paws from between the bars of the banister (I'm the only one he does that to). When I walk down the hall he will run up behind me and "attack" the backs of my feet. He comes under my desk when I'm trying to work and claws at all the wires. Worst of all though is before he was neutered he would spray his nasty piss/spray stuff (whatever the hell it is) in my room. He did this several times in my room and once inside my backpack which was in the living room. Again he only does this to my stuff.
So I had forgiven the cat assuming that he was probably adjusting to the new place and that this has all happened before he had been fixed and the major issues (the piss issues) seemed to have stopped. or so I thought.....
Last night I get into bed and am lying there for a minute when I notice that my covers are unusually cold. After a second I realize that they are in fact damp, I jump up realizing that it must be cat piss and flip on the light. So not only did the cat piss on my bed (wetting the covers, sheets and mattress). HE SHIT ON MY BED! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm not talking a few little pieces here, this was a full on dump, like 5 or 6 turds, probably the biggest a cat can hold)
If it was a dog doing all of this I would have to forgive it for not knowing any better like the slobbering idiots that they are. But cats are smart so I must assume that he is purposely fucking with me because he dislikes me. Well from now on the cat and I are enemies (I feel like a character in some ridiculous Disney movie where they pin an animal against a person with ridiculous slapstick results, that mentally deficient 7 year olds would find funny.... the problem is that if thats the case I'm fucked.. the animal always wins in those movies and I will end up looking like a bumbling idiot) Whatever the case I'm going to go take a crap in the cats litter box and see how he likes it.
not to laugh at your misfortune(s) but that is really funny... i have personally experienced the selective pissing but the selective shitting? that's a first
ReplyDeletethis is a powerplay. you have lost. get cat treats from the shops, oh vanquished one.
ReplyDeleteps. why is every cat named chairman meow these days?
wow, this post brought back some purposely repressed memories for me. my ex-boyfriend's cat hated me, too. he made my life hell. besides the constant blood-letting, the best was the night he jumped up on the bed at 3am and SPRAYED ME IN THE FACE (btw, that stuff isn't just piss. When those motherfuckers "spray" it's urine mixed with secretions from anal scent glands, which is why it smells like big bouquet of flowers.).
ReplyDeleteIn the face.
Anyway, I recommend carrying a spray bottle with you constantly. Use it indiscriminately; this is war. If you happen to be vaccuuming or sweeping, be careful because OOPS the cat might get a little too close. oh no!
I was an animal lover before that cat.
i second the spray bottle idea. it sounds odd, but sometimes they piss in weird places if they don't have clean litter. it might not be hatred, afterall.
ReplyDeleteI sympathize completely with your pain, and I'm sorry to hear of it, but it's a comfort to know that I'm not the only one with cat traumas.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I know (it's quite possible I've repressed some memories) I haven't suffered even a quarter of the abuse you have, and yet, Satanic kitties haunt my nightmears. At least once a month, I have horrifying dreams about the diabolical little fanged beasts. I don't know what to tell you. I would move out, but then, I guess I'm a big wimp.
HAHA poor soul.
ReplyDeleteYou could write a book about it, might be cathartic.
I see no other option for you than to retaliate much harsher. This is a powerplay and right now the cat is winning. In no way am i advocating torturing animals, but start being harsh to the damn thing. An occasional kick as it attacks your feet maybe. If it shits or pisses in your room or on your stuff shove that into its face and hold it there for a good long while. Once youre sure its recognized its smell and your possession, smack the shit out of it (non litterally).
ReplyDeleteI am a cat lover, but I think you SHOULD take a dump in his litterbox! What that says is, 1) I know you've targeted ME and 2) How does it feel when I do it back?
ReplyDeleteWe have a cat who actually expresses his love by pissing on you - we call it "Hot Peepee Love," and while we don't tolerate it, we know he is "marking" us as his, and that's somewhat forgivable.
I don't think your brother's cat is expressing his love.......
I have a very similar problem, first off my cat loves piss on not just laundry but only my laundry dirty or fresh (it really pisses me off when I have to wash the same load again because it was recently pissed on) , not to mention it shits and loves to piss only on my bathroom rug, oh yeah anything foreign left on the floor of my room, back packs, towels, shoes, yeah you can consider them pissed on. This is a spayed female cat by the way, I hate it and everyone else loves it, I wanna boot it from a 10 story building sometimes.
ReplyDeletei rescued a cat from a drain and she shit on my feet. hows that for a thank you note. now when she is nice to me, i shit on her. out of affection.
ReplyDeleteMy Mom's cat has shit on my bed 5 times in the last two months. I only recently moved back to my Mom's having been elsewhere for 4 years i think its territorial, no pissing though just shit initially it's more disgusting than piss, but it confines itself to a smaller area and doesn't soak through to the mattress. If I were to try and put a positive slant on this I'd say that she's encouraging me to wash my sheets more frequently thus encouraging me to be more hygienic and healthy, but i doubt such charitable thoughts occur in the mind of this primal creature. What do i do though? I should probably move out, everything seems to be pointing towards that.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to laugh, but these stories are the funniest things I ever read.
ReplyDeleteThe most my cat ever did was crap in the bath. It got a swift kicking out the back door. Never did it again.
On a brighter note, If you really want to piss it off.. get a big bloody dog. Then sit back and laugh at the evil little sod when it literally shits itself everytime the dog walks by!