Mr. Cool Ice

I'm sure by now everyone has seen Mr. Cool Ice, whom I first posted in the Really Bad Tattoos part 3 entry. Well someone sent me a link to a Video of him!!!

I'm not positive but I think its German (I took German once in high school and failed miserably but got to miss a day of class to go to Oktoberfest and eat sausages and struesel and listen to a live polka band (definitely worth it))

The video is about 10 mins long and I couldn't understand a single thing yet I had to watch the whole thing in hopes of finding out some clues as to how and why this dude became Mr. Cool Ice.

If someone who speaks German could watch the vid and email me the translation (or at least the gist of what's going on) That would be amazing. I will post an update to fill everyone in.

no loss for words

Check out this excerpt from a conversation between Michael and Eko from the last episode of Lost.

Michael: I hear you're a priest
Eko: yes
Michael: I guess you believe in hell then
Eko: For a brief time I served in a small parish in England, and Every Sunday after mass I would see a young boy waiting at the back of the church. Then one day the boy confessed to me that he had beaten his dog to death with a shovel, he said that the dog had bitten his baby sister on the cheek and he needed to protect her and he wanted to know whether he would go to hell for this. I told him that God would understand, that he would be forgiven as long as he was sorry, but the boy did not care about forgiveness, he was only afraid that if he did go to hell that dog would be there waiting for him.

end of scene.

How fucking awesome is that. I'm definitely going to start talking like that, just answering questions with hard hitting, moral cautionary tales that are completely suited and relevant for the occasion. Seriously though why do we accept things in TV and the movies that are so far from reality, No one talks like that in real life. I wish they did though. No more small talk no more bullshit, everything that is said has an explicit purpose and is chock full of symbolism and foreshadowing. How strange would that be?

a sandwich to rule them all!

I've been posting a lot about food lately but after I made this sandwich I had to take a picture of it and share it with the world. Why? Because its a fucking work of art. Michelangelo never made a fucking sandwich like this (well he may have, but I imagine when he packed his lunch each day and went off to paint the Sistine chapel it was a lot less elaborate).

Here's what its got from the bottom up:
mustard
smoked turkey
melted 5 year old cheddar
sauteed red peppers
sauteed green peppers
sauteed portabella mushrooms
English cucumber
hot house tomatoes
romaine lettuce
mayonnaise
on toasted ciabatta loaf

fuck yeah.

actually it was only an average sandwich.

50 Year Old Food!

So I picked up a few mini cookbooks the other day. They were all published in the fifties. Oh what a glorious era. Here are a few pics.

I don't know what this really is but would you really want to eat something that looks like that?

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I think the reason that souffle's have lost popularity is because this is what they are supposed to look like when you cook it right.

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I have to admit that these look pretty good. These are the kind of treats that are made exclusively by old ladies and found only at church bake sales. Mainly because you couldn't find a single one of the ingredients in a modern day supermarket. They're probably packed with all sorts of archaic fats and shortening that you can only find in Grandma's 50 year old pantry.

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This is some sort of an egg dish, you can tell by the cock on the table. Also it seems like this dish is to be served with a goblet of blood.

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This cake is not made for mortals. I mean look at it, its furry and practically glows. I bet this is the kind of cake God has on his birthday.

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Look at that luncheon spread. Lets face it, lunch isn't lunch without 5 different types of processed meat. I would also like to point out that it looks like these were they days before pimento loaf had macaroni and cheese and peppers and all the other stuff added.... Just green olives... We really have come a long way as a society

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"You know you're not having dessert until you finish you're giant hunk of meat."

50 Year Old Food! Part 2

SWINGLES!!!

If you were like me as a kid on Halloween night after Trick or Treating you would sit down to a gluttonous feast from your sack of candy and you may or may not have stumbled onto the unmistakable taste of eating a bag of plain potato chips after a chocolate bar. Well its a taste I have never forgotten so to continue in the tradition of that unholy marriage of chocolate and potato chips I present to you Swoops + Pringles = SWINGLES!!!

Here they are, looking so innocent and unaware of their bizarre and twisted fate.

Since the Swoops are quite a bit thicker than the Pringles I decided to use 2 parts Pringle for every 1 part Swoop, I also decided to try 2 different versions: the Pringle wrapped Swoop and vice versa. I decided to first try the Pringle wrapped Swoop (right hand side).

Hmmm, it was alright. Need to cleanse the palette with a bit of Coke, now onto the Swoop wrapped Pringle.

The Pringle Wrapped Swoop was definitely the better of the two, but would it be improved with a little peanut butter?

No not really. and after eating just 3 of these concoctions I realized that just because Swoops are the same shape as pringles doesn't necessarily mean they should be put together, I also realize that just because something seemed like it was a good idea when I was 7 years old doesn't necessarily mean it's still a good idea when I'm 27.

Million Dollar Dreams

The other day I was at a convenience store and was standing in line. The woman in front of me was taking a really really long time. I noticed that she was buying only lottery tickets, stacks of scratch tickets and a bunch of the "draw" tickets which have to go through that machine so it takes forever. I hate to judge a book by its cover, but this woman was how do I say it.... a future Springer guest. Anyway she finally gets all the lottery tickets and the cashier rings it up and the total is $120. A HUNDRED AND FUCKING TWENTY DOLLARS!!!!! Now that's just lottery tickets, she wasn't buying any Cheetos, Mountain Dew, Twinkies or any of the other things that her clothes were stained with. She says to the cashier something to the effect "I hope I'm lucky this week". I was pretty annoyed from having to wait for 5 minutes so as she turned around to leave This convo played out...

Me: Do you spend that much on lottery tickets each week?
Her : About a hundred dollars.
Me: Are you fucking serious?
Her: Yeah, so?
Me: Do you know the odds of winning those "draw" lotteries?
Her: No
Me: About 1 in 14 million
Her: blank stare
Me: That's like someone saying to you I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 14, 000, 000 what is it? The chances of it being 25 are the same as it being 13,587,602 or 742,004.
Her: blank stare
Me: Seriously, $100 a week is $5200 a year, if you invested that amount of money each week you would have a nice chunk down the line.
Her: attention seems to have veered off to the shelf of doritos
Me: Forget it
Her: Do you wanna go to Dairy Queen?
Me: ok

So we ate oreo and gummy bear blizzards (her choice) as I explained compound interest and she explained the genius of Larry the cable guy.

In the land of the deaf the one eared man is king (but I live in a world of sound)

This is post #111.
I decided to change up the layout a bit.

My brother let me in on this interesting tidbit:
Yesterday at 123 seconds after 1:00 it was 01:02:03 04/05/06

So for the last 2 days I have been deaf in my left ear, I think I have some sort of infection because it is painful and spending about an hour yesterday flushing my ear out with an ear syringe did absolutely nothing except make me more frustrated.

Losing 50% of your hearing is more like losing 75% because you lose the whole "stereo field". It's really something you take for granted. I think it's the same as if you were to lose sight out of one eye you also lose depth perception which probably also seems like more than 50%.

Psycho Killer

I want to talk a bit about the cereal universe. The cereal universe is where all the characters from breakfast cereals live. Straight up the place is fucked, mainly because the inhabitants are so fucked. The place is nothing but vibrant colors and sugar coated food and the streets for the most part are filled with bleary eyed addicts. One thing I noticed recently is that there are no women in the cereal universe (at least not prominent ones) but things may be far worse than a patriarchy, I think that there is a "cereal rapist" and "cereal killer" out there who has systematically disposed of all the women. Lets examine some of the possible suspects.

CAP'N CRUNCH - CAP'N CRUNCH
The Cap'n spends most of his time at sea, battling the "soggies" who may or may not be a figment of his imagination. Judging by his slurred speech he spends most of the time half in the bag.










COUNT CHOCULA - COUNT CHOCULA
The count hangs out at his castle in the mountains with Frankenberry and Boo Berry. Its possible that Fruit Brute is hanging with them too but he hasn't been seen around in a while. This crew generally just sticks with each other and don't seem to be stirring up much trouble. But who knows what a group of hideous monsters is getting up to after dark.








TOUCAN SAM - FROOT LOOPS
"Follow your nose"? Come on Sam your not fooling anyone. We all know that when you're alone you grind up the loops and do "rainblow" rails off of a mynah birds ass feathers. Sam is always looped out of his mind.










LEPRECHAUN - LUCKY CHARMS
The Lucky Charms leprechaun suffers from paranoid schitzophrenia he constantly thinks people are trying to steal his Lucky Charms. Which is pretty odd because they are more likely trying to steal his pot of gold.










SUGAR BEAR - SUGAR CRISP
Sugar bear is a classic addict he "can't get enough of that sugar crisp" he can never get enough. Sugar Bear is what we call a high functioning addict he is more than capable of acquiring his "drug" he even seems to give off an air of calm at all times. He is somewhat of the "James Bond" of cereal addicts, he's kind of a smooth operator.








TRIX RABBIT - TRIX
On the complete opposite end of the spectrum from Sugar Bear we have the Trix Rabbit. No matter how hard he tries he never gets to have the "drug" which he so dearly craves. This leaves him as a fused out jumpy bundle of nerves. It isn't known if the Trix rabbit has actually ever even has a bowl of Trix or if he is just uncontrollably drawn to it like a moth to a patio light.







SONNY - COCOA PUFFS
Sonny is the perfect example of what happens when someone with the personality of the Trix Rabbit actually gets his fix. Sonny as you know is "Cookoo for Cocoa Puffs". In other words this fucker is crazy. He spends his days in drug induced insanity. A highly volatile and erratic individual who should not be trifled with.








TONY THE TIGER - FROSTED FLAKES
If you ask me Tony the Tiger's normal exterior probably hides some demons. Sure he seems like a jovial fun loving character, but looks can be deceiving especially in the cereal universe. Who knows what he gets up to when he goes back to his lair.







You be the judge. I know who I would put my money on.

Smokin' (definitely not to be pronounced like Jim Carey in the mask)

Near my house there is a plaza/strip mall and beside that there is a retirement home. The retirement home isn't one of those one's where the seniors are being taken care of by people its more just like a community for retired people. They live independently but are far from being rich. They are mostly just average people and I'm sure for the most part they are on a fixed income. Anyway there is one guy who lives there who looks almost exactly like Lee Van Cleef (from the Clint Eastwood "man without a name" westerns). Every time I go to the plaza I see this guy without fail and he is wandering around collecting all the cigarette butts that he can find so that he can smoke them. I always find this mildly depressing. Cigarettes around here cost over $8 a pack (I actually don't know exactly how much they cost they were more than $8 a pack when I quit and that was almost 3 years ago). The majority of that is tax as I'm sure you all know. So I came up with an idea: Cigarette pricing should be on a sliding scale. The younger you are the higher the price and the older you get the more tax is chopped off. Lets say that if you are under 25 cigarettes cost $25 a pack and by the time you are 65 they are $2. I think it would deter a lot of people from starting to smoke because it would be unrealistic for most youths to be able to afford a habit that expensive. But at the same time if you're in your 70s and your still smoking lets face it you should be rewarded for beating the odds.

As usual I'm just talking a bunch of nonsense. This would never work out because trying to implement a sliding scale of pricing would be a sheer nightmare for the millions of retailers out there.

Random Musings

TV Series: Every morning while I eat my breakfast and drink my green tea I like to watch an episode of a selected TV series. Watching a series in sequence day to day is so much better than watching it on TV, you don't have to wait a week for the next episode and there are no commercials. Right now I am watching "Twin Peaks". What a great show. There were only 2 seasons before it was cancelled. Fans of the show say that it was ahead of its time and I guess it was to a certain extent. It was on when I was a kid and I always remember it was known as a weird show, but watching it today it is certainly no weirder than "Lost" and definitely less cryptic. Anyway "Twin Peaks" has some interesting parental connections to modern day stars. Russ Tamblyn who played Dr. Lawrence Jacoby is Amber Tamblyn's (Joan of Arcadia)Father. Mary Jo Deschanel who played Eileen Hayward is Zooey Deschanel (Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy) and Emily Deschanel's (Bones) mother. Grace Zabriskie who played Sarah Palmer and Warren Frost who played Dr. William Hayward played The Ross' in Seinfeld (Susan's (George's fiance) parents).

Actors: I've mentioned before that I dislike Vin Diesel, well I have more reason. I saw him on both Conan and Letterman this week and he told the same lame anecdote on both shows. I hate that shit. Are you so unimaginative and uninspired that you can't come up with more than one story.? This is also one of the reasons that I really dislike Terrance Howard. When he was promoting "Hustle and Flow" I saw him tell the same pimp story in every fucking interview he did. The guy sucks. As far as I'm concerned he's the poor mans Benicio Del Torro.

Signs: You know how on the door of basically every store in the free world it says "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service". This leads me to this question: Was there a point in time when the streets were rampant with shoeless shirtless people? If yes was that time the 1960's? I just can't envision a time when this must have gotten so out of hand that all business' unanimously proclaimed "We must do something about this!!!!". Oh yeah pets too. I guess people used to just walk into stores wearing nothing but shorts with a few dogs and cats maybe an iguana or two and the store owners couldn't really do shit.

Food (sort of): So I have this can of non-stick cooking spray and as I was spraying it on a cookie sheet the other day I noticed the best before date on the bottom. It read Best Before OCT 2606. I started to envision future generations auctioning off the cooking spray for exorbenant amounts of money as an edible product from 600 years ago. It would be like us finding something from 1406 that was still edible. Obviously the date is meant to read Oct. 26th 2006 but what fun would that be.